Help!

A few weeks ago, near my home, a 13-year-old boy hung himself in the school bathroom. He was a popular kid – well liked. His parents said he was the “easy one.” So why would he kill himself? No one knows for sure. Maybe some of you have thought about it, so you can speculate on what might lead a great kid to kill himself.

Or, maybe you have a friend who has talked about suicide or attempted suicide and you see what they’re struggling with.

If you know someone who has successfully completed suicide, I’m so sorry. I have seen what the survivors go through. Their emotions can range from extreme sadness to guilt to anger. Often times those dealing with the pain off loss think about killing themselves too.

Suicide or suicide attempts are usually due to a person feeling stuck – there is no way out. Maybe they are suffering some sort of emotional pain and don’t see an end to it. Maybe they have a physical illness that causes chronic pain. Perhaps they are being abused and feel the only escape is to die. Life gets hard. The pain is unbearable sometimes. In those situations, some people contemplate suicide as the way out.

If you are someone who is thinking about suicide, I am going to give you a link at the bottom of this post for some phone numbers of people who want to help you. If you are someone who feels alone and that no one cares, you may be surprised to know that there ARE people who care. For example, I am writing this blog because I care. I work in a difficult, low-paying field just because I care about kids…I care about young people who are hurting. People who work on telephone hotlines do it because they care. Some of them work as volunteers, so they don’t get paid. They simply do it because they want to help someone who may be in need.

If you KNOW someone who is thinking about suicide, you may be unsure of what to do. Many kids are afraid to tell anyone because their friend will be angry. I would much rather have an angry friend than a dead friend. Even though they get angry, they will understand that you did it because you care. You need to tell someone, but who?

* The kid’s parents: The parents need to know unless there is a risk that the parents will hurt the kid.

* Your parents: Your parents may know how to get help for the kid and the family, how to approach the family with the information, and they may be able to help you support your friend.

* Your school counselor: Counselors are bound by confidentiality unless someone is in danger. They are also obligated to take steps to protect someone in danger. When you tell a counselor, they will have to do something about it. Plus, they will have resources for your friend and the family.

* A trusted teacher: Just like counselors, teachers are obligated to take steps to protect someone in danger. They will know who to go to for further help.

* Your clergy/pastor/priest, etc: Again, these folks are obligated to keep things confidential unless someone is in danger and they are obligated to help someone in danger. They are usually really good at supporting the family in a personal way too.

* Any trusted adult: If they don’t know what to do, they should know who to go to for information and direction.

* If you feel your friend is in danger right now, call 911. It is the fastest way to get help to their front door and keep your friend safe until further help can be provided such as a crisis team or a hospital.

I found this great website that lists hotlines by state: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

They also have resources and a forum. It appears to be a great support for folks who are struggling with life. Please check it out: http://www.suicide.org/

Although we may not have met, I care about you. Your life is valuable to me because I believe you were created special. You have a purpose in this world.

iTunes Giveaway

Since this is a new blog, I need your help in getting the word out to teens and young adults. To show my appreciation, I am giving away a small gift: a $20 iTunes gift card. I will choose 1 winner on November 30, 2011.

You will be entered into the contest 1 time for each of the following actions:

~ Share this blog on Facebook

~ Add a comment to any post

~ Tweet about the blog

~ Subscribe to the blog

~ Like on WordPress

~ Email me with a question at luvs2rit@gmail.com

~ Email me with a topic suggestion luvs2rit@gmail.com

If you’re a parent, please check out my blog for parents at: Raising Amazing Grace

Thank you for visiting!

Valerie

Amazon Gift Card Winner

Dawn G. is the winner of the $20 Amazon gift card. Congratulations Dawn and thank you for helping to spread the word about my new blog!

What Would You Do?

Did you see the story about the youth football game that turned violent? It was the Gators against the Huskies. The Gators coaching staff was unhappy with the referee’s call. One of the coaches pushed the ref then a players ran over and tackled him. Next thing you see is a mob of Gators, Huskies, referees, and parents pushing and yelling. It was a hideous scene.

However, it is a good life lesson.

In my book… the book of how to succeed in life without being arrested, killed, or maimed… pushing someone or TACKLING someone because you’re angry is WRONG. It’s wrong every time. I don’t care if you’re a kid or a parent. We just can’t “settle” our differences through physical violence. We also can’t take our anger out on people violently.

But here’s the life lesson:

There were a lot of guys on each sideline. The Huskies stayed on the sidelines and the Gators joined in the brawl. What caused each kid to make the decision to join or stand on the sideline? 

Some kids are prone to violence. Maybe they’ve been treated violently and this is how they learned to treat others. Some kids follow the crowd. They are afraid that if they act different from those around them, they’ll be rejected or made fun of. Some kids know violence is wrong and choose to stay on the sideline. Some kids aren’t sure what to do, so they go along with what their friends are doing.

The Huskies stayed on the sideline either because they know what’s right and what’s wrong and they chose RIGHT, because their friends stayed. Some may have stayed because the coach made it very clear they needed to stay there…they respected the coach’s direction.

The question for you is, are you hanging out with Gators: People who know what they are doing is wrong, but do it anyway? Or people who have so little self-control, they do stupid things without thinking? Or, are you hanging out with the Huskies? The ones who encourage you do to what’s right - the ones who show respect for the coach?

The Gators and their coaches are currently waiting for charges to be brought up against them, and some arrests will probably be made. The Huskies are preparing for their next game.

Famous People with ADHD

Parenting.com recently featured a list of famous people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD or ADD.) I love it because I see so many kids with ADHD who have a negative view of themselves and their parents or teachers often have a negative view of their behavior.

People with ADHD struggle with many of the following things:

• difficulty with details
• can’t pay attention for long
• difficulty following directions
• easily distracted
• often lose things
• forgetful
• can’t sit still
• talk excessively
• parents accuse them of not listening

Some of the famous people who have been diagnosed with ADHD are Jim Carey (actor,) Justin Timberlake (musician,) Ty Pennington (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,) Michael Phelps (Olympic swimmer,) Will Smith (actor/musician,) and the founders of Virgin, Kinkos, and JetBlue Airways. Psychology Today magazine reports that people with ADHD are 300% more likely to start their own company.

People with ADHD have difficulty focusing on details which can cause difficulty in school, but this inattention to detail gives them the ability to focus on the BIG picture and BIG ideas. This is why they become so successful in life.

If you are struggling in school and feel you have many of the struggles listed above, talk to your parents.  If they aren’t sure where to go for help, you can talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher for direction.

Get the help you need to succeed in school today. Tomorrow, you will be the next founder of successful business!

You Could Change The World

I attended Meet-The-Teacher night tonight at Jess’ school. His language arts teacher had the following quote on her Powerpoint:

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has. ~Margaret Mead

Think about that. It doesn’t say that highly intelligent people change the world, or freakishly talented people change the world. It says anyone who is able to think and imagine something better than we currently have, who gets together with a couple like-minded people, can and DO change the world.

Do you know what the means??? It means I could change the world. It means YOU could change the world! There is nothing stopping you!!

Sometimes we tend to get bogged down in our struggles:

“My grades aren’t good enough to get into college.”

“No one cares about me and no one supports me.”

“I’ve been to jail. Who would want to hire me?”

Here are 3 more quotes for you:

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  ~ Thomas Paine

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.  ~ Robert Schuller

Poverty was the greatest motivating factor in my life.  ~ Jimmy Dean

Your struggle may just be your motivation to push beyond those around you. Who is going to work harder: The guy whose parents buy him a brand new Mustang for no apparent reason or the guy who is hungry with no food in the fridge? The hardship is what gives us courage and strength. Overcoming that hardship gives us a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that the guy in the Mustang will never know.

When my boys were young, they were in Karate. Every time there was a competition every single kid who participated got a trophy. It wasn’t because they had superior skills. It was simply because they showed up. Every kid got the same trophy.

So, I ask you, which would you prefer: a trophy because you showed up, or an Olympic gold medal? Of course the gold medal! That was earned through fierce hard work and accomplishment. Overcoming our difficulties, using those to push us to change the world, is your gold medal.

Embrace the difficulties you face in life knowing that those are vital ingredients to your accomplishments. They will light your path.

You are on your way to change the world!

Down But Not Out, part 3

Maybe you tried to let your family know how to love you, maybe you didn’t. If you still don’t feel loved, here’s the next step.

#3 step on how to get the love you need: Allow other people to love you.

When I say “allow” what I’m trying to say is that you don’t want your value to depend on ONE main person outside your family. You need to allow the various people who come and go in your life to demonstrate their love and concern for you.

You may feel like your family has never been there for you; maybe you’re in the foster care system, or your family is not very connected. If so, your human reaction is to get someone else to fill that void. A young child may go to the school nurse often complaining of various ailments, because the nurse is going to show concern and provide some sort of care to ease the sore tummy or headache. A teen girl may tell her boyfriend about people mistreating her so the boyfriend will defend or have compassion for her. The girl may even subconsciously CAUSE others to treat her poorly so she can get that care and concern from her boyfriend.

This is manipulation: when we orchestrate circumstances to get our desired reaction from a person.

For example, let’s say my birthday is coming tomorrow. I start a conversation at work about birthdays because I want someone in the discussion to ask me when my birthday is. If they ask, then some of those people will wish me a happy birthday tomorrow. If they wish me a happy birthday, to me, that means they care and I’m important enough to remember. However, I manipulated the situation to give them that information, so it’s sort of a hollow victory.

What if I didn’t say anything as my birthday approached? Then on the day of my birthday two people wished me a happy birthday! Wouldn’t that be better evidence that they were thinking of me and I was important enough to remember on my birthday? That would be a real victory for my self-worth.

Even though it’s scary to wonder if we are loveable, we need to allow the evidence to present itself. Manipulating to get the evidence is fake evidence. Let your boyfriend show you are loveable when he talks to you in front of his friends or gives you a small gift. Let your girlfriend show you are loveable when she calls or texts you or introduces you to her parents. Let your friends show you are valuable when they tell you about the problems they are having at home or school and listen when you talk.

Now that you know what you need to feel loved (because you figured out your love languages,) let your boyfriend or girlfriend know what they do that you really appreciate. Teach them how to love you.

The place the train can go off the tracks is believing we are unloveable just because a relationship ends. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Relationships may be for a SEASON, a REASON, or for LIFE.

The LIFE relationships are hard to come by. That is often people who are related to us, such as a brother or sister, however, just because we’re related doesn’t make it a forever relationship. A REASON relationship is someone such as a teacher or a counselor. They have a purpose for being in your life and once that purpose is fulfilled, the relationship ends. The SEASON relationship is our friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends. Every once in a while one or two of those can turn into LIFE, but mostly those are only for a season.

The people I went to high school with, although I have very fond memories, after we graduated, we took different paths in life. I don’t have contact with most of them anymore. But the relationships I had while in high school were valuable in molding me into the person I am today.

So, in getting the love you need, allow the people in your life right now to demonstrate their love for you without you moving the puppet strings. Keep in mind that some of these relationships will end, and, as you grow and change, you will move on to form new relationships. It’s a natural part of life. The evidence of their love will come while you are in a relationship with them. That evidence isn’t wiped out when the relationship ends. Relationships end because someone changes or moves, not because we suddenly become unloveable.

Who loves you? How do you know? Make a list of the things people do to prove to you they care. When you’re feeling unloveable, refer to the list that proves you ARE loveable. Include on your list, “Valerie wrote a blog to make sure I understand I’m loveable.”